Sunday, May 23, 2010

Fifa's unofficial unendorsed guide to the 2010 Soccer World Cup

SHOOT: Visitors to the world cup may not be sure what to expect? Strikes, power outages, racist Afrikaners? Nah! Swine flu - pah! Rift Valley Fever - bah! Bodyguards can be hired at all major airports, and insurance is also available from ATM machines. Please also pick up a T-shirt that says, I AM NOT A BOER, PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME, and an ingestible tracking device in the event you are kidnapped or murdered for muti. But wait, there's more...

Sepp Blatter’s spectacle is here. Just about. Which means intrepid tourists - unfazed by mild insurrections, crumbling roads, strikes, crime or the myriad botherations that make South Africa wonderfully unique  - are packing. Here’s what to pack, where to go and how to apologise for colonialism.

Daily Maverick: How many local languages do foreigners need to know to get by?

Brendan Jack: You'll only need to speak in Rands. Currency is our most widely understood language.

DM: What local phrases could be useful?

BJ: "Sorry we tried to colonise you. Our bad."

"Can I just pay a spot fine for talking on my cellphone while driving?"

"I'm from Namibia, don't charge me European prices."

DM: What must visitors know about the vuvuzela?

BJ: The thin side goes in your mouth. It’s impossible to play more than one note and it’s said to be even more difficult to master than the French Horn.

How can visitors soak up South African culture?
From an air-conditioned hotel-supplied van shuttling them to the stadium.
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