Saturday, January 13, 2007
Don't ask me what the title of this post means. I know what it means and that's sufficient. Actually, I feel like there's so much I am not permitting myself to say on this blog these days. I've chosen to not say a woprd about work, but the other areas seem less necessary to be discrete about.
I recently spoke to my girlfriend about marriage (my sister and father recommended that I give it some serious thought), but I also countered with some insights that even took me by surprise. It really irks me now to realise that one person (who was special only in the snese that she was the first) monopolised so much of my life, my feelings, my time, my money, my energy, my emotions. I suppose I only have myself to blame, but the problem is, I'm with someone now that I love and yet I feel so incomplete in so many areas. Like I have this whole dimension of my life (especially the 16-24 part) still left unlived. Can you really get married to someone with this whole fragment still lying broken and cracked inside your core? And how on earth do you piece it together, other than to entertain younger-than-you-are people and goings on.
I went for a swim today during a longer than usual lunch-break. As I left I saw the neighbour there. She and her kids completely ignored me. I saw a bumper sticker earlier in the day that read: The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." It occurred to me then that there is more than one interpretation to even that verse. Fior example: The Lord is my shepherd (that) I shall not want. In other words, I don't want or need the Lord as my shepherd. I know, some people won't like that interpretation. I thought I was going to have a ball with the next door neighbours, notwithstanding them being fundamentalist Christians. Seems like they've already chosen to hold a grudge, for whatever reason. They should read 'The enemy of good'. Holding grudges is just one symptom of being a perfectionist, where details are more important (except they shouldn't be) than people.
It's been a struggle to train every day, partly because of the heat, partly because the processing at work requires processing power, and that means I arrived home sapped (somewhat) of energy. Last night I didn't run, but instead wrote 1 and a half articles. When I looked again it was 1am, and I had to be at work at 8am. That's right. Groan. But getting up this week was easier than last week. I even managed to go cycling after 5am. Will try to do more of that next week.
We're supposed to have had about 83mm of rain for this month (average over 30 years). It's almost halfway through the month and we've only had a few drops. Each day is hot as hell. And it seems the same in New York (see Kunstler's article below). Meanwhile, oil has slipped to $51.
I'm also reading a manuscript one of my colleagues allowed me to share (at work). It's called Monstersaad. Literally translated it means: seed of a monster.
Cycling race tomorrow, and long distance swimming. Need to rest, but far more important, have fun. Maybe get a little drunk.