Today my hockey team won their match 7-0 against Fichardtpark. They were hardly recognizable from the team of depressed losers who left Oranje after being defeated 5-1 last week. They were hungry, and the mood was light. And of course they were on their own home turf. It was nice to see the girls laughing, and their teammates on the side of the field, singing and cheering and enthusiastic.
In a just-scored moment of glee I looked at the big white Afrikaans girls and felt a pang of pain for them. Losing is never easy. It’s a poisonous, awkward, difficult feeling. Winning is sweet. So it’s good to get into the habit of winning.
And what is winning other than having things turn out to your advantage, getting your way, controlling events on a field?
I have printed my DVD’s and sent about a dozen sms’ inviting orders. Ran out of airtime early on so only sent about 7. Lee wanted to see me today after I told him about the DVDs, but he never got back to me.
I’m selling them for R75.00. More than one person (who has seen pieces of it) has suggested I make it R100.00 (because of the quality of it).
It’s a compliment, and hopefully a modest beginning. Every time I see pictures or footage of the Toer I get a warm, positive feeling. The whole thing was a good thing, and I think everyone who was involved knows that. There’s something sacred, or spiritual about a person, a bicycle and a road. I mean in the context of this tour. God does seem to manifest in a subtle way. I think the collective bunch of us brings that manifestation of a Higher Being much more powerfully into existence, because of a collective focused consciousness.
Having experimented with the DVD’s, and being involved at the university (especially studying English), and then being faced with the often depressing scenarios of work (underliving, wasting time, growing old and stressed shouting and straining) I am seeing more clearly what is I want to be once more.
I realized today that the original reason I returned to SA was to take over as editor of Heartland magazine. Remember that? That was on the cards. There were plenty of delays and finally I realized that was no longer an option and took to writing full time. That began to emerge as a possible vocation until it got overtaken and usurped by this, teaching. This is not a bad opportunity, but it’s not a permanent alternative. Seeing Katia’s MightyK business up close helped me to see what is possible if you just give yourself permission.
On the way here were possible opportunities to work at Xposure, at the university, designing educational stuff, pursuing freelance breaks, ideas about chewing gum etc.
Now, again, I see myself starting a creative agency. Instead of an empty but kicky name like Rocketboy Media, why not use a more wholesome, honest and powerful reconviction of one’s own merit:
The Van Der Leek Agency
It’s less focused on business solutions as customized creativity for families and homes, like:
Photography (sports events, parties, church stuff)
Designing (of posters, invitations, business cards, CV’s etc)
Interior decorating (with especially paintings and photographs)
I had my reservations about writing “Spine”. Because it is dark, and negative and gloomy. But I felt that some inner mechanism spoke to me, like a ghost, and the fact that I was shaken to the very rocky beds of my being – upon awakening – made me, well, compelled me to scribble down notes. I have discussed the dream twice I think, and this several days later. I think that is significant. I have dreamt before of a near death experience, so I see great insight in them.
Today I gave out my formal tests. I got quite a lot of marking done while the kids – fuelled by panic – scribbled as many facts as they could in 45 minutes.
Yesterday I wanted to howl with frustration. Today was better. Each day, one at a time. But keeping an eye on the horizon, and the patterns of cloud moving across the heavens. We get one life. How to make the most of it when it’s difficult is how we learn to find meaning in who we are, instead of what we have. Be someone. Do Something. Have what you’ve earned.
Do I buy a red second golf or a brand new Ka? Or do I buy a holiday on a faraway shore?
Are we at play in the fields of the Lord?